My Inner Most Thoughts
by Lady Britannia
Summary: A look into the diary of Sirius Black
1. Chapter 1

**_My inner most thoughts_**

_**By Sirius Alexander Black**_

_**4/9/77**_

I got this thing for Christmas last year so I'd better use it, so here goes. My name is Sirius Alexander Black, ha-ha I bet you didn't know my middle name before this, many don't even my best friends don't, not that I hate it mind.

Anyways enough babble, the thing is….I'm not like other 17 year old boys, I have a crush…a crush I shouldn't have. I dated girls sure, but something just doesn't feel right maybe this feeling will pass, who knows, I sure as hell don't

_**6/9/77**_

Ack! I ache all over!

Quidditch practice was hell; our team is going up against Slytherin next week so James wants each of us to push ourselves to the limit. What I wouldn't do for a big oily beefy-

Whoa! Where did that thought come from?

I need to sort myself out and fast!

**_10/9/77_**

I had to lie to James today. We were sat at the lake talking about allsorts and girl watching, you know what guys do and I had to lie when he asked my opinion, I hate lying to my friends, instead of gazing at the girls who were literally inches from my face and they'd fall all over me as most girls do with me and James, girls were actually jealous when he started dating Lily that they even resorted to hitting on Peter….blech

Anyways where was I?

Oh yeah, for some reason I found it difficult to take my eyes away from the boy sat under the oak tree, he was quiet pretty despite the fact that he was a boy, I was intrigued by him, why couldn't I take my eyes from him?

**_20/9/77_**

Woot!

We beat Slytherin's arse 150 to 80, yeah!

Malboy (my name for Malfoy) had the usual sour look on his face when the whistle blew, serves the bastard right for all the years that he's tormented each and every Gryffindor to cross his path during the last seven years, especially the muggleborns, since when does blood determine your status in the wizarding world, Lily's a muggle born and I like her.

Anyways, James is pestering me to 'stop writing in that thing and get my arse to the common room and party'

**_21/9/77_**

Blech…..why did I have to have that extra fire whisky, why?

Remus was wasted last night which is a BIG surprise, maybe he's letting his hair down before graduation, anyways, I feel like crap so I best go lay down

**_21/9/77 5.20pm_**

Holla!

Sirius is in the bathroom at the moment as a result of last night, that boy can not handle his alcohol, so I decided to take this opportunity to read his diary, Lily's in bed nursing her hangover so I'm bored.

Ha-ha, Remus was wasted last night, it was very entertaining to see him that way, and he's usually the quiet one so to see him like that was…...different.

Siri's right, blood shouldn't matter, Lily is as equal to any of us

Hey!

Who's this boy Sirius wrote about?

Anyways, Sirius is coming back so I better go before he sees me reading this thing


	2. Chapter 2

**_10/10/77_**

Sorry I haven't wrote for a while, N.E.W.T preparation

Ugh!

I'm sure Binns loads extra homework on me for the pleasure of it; it's not my fault that he's so boring and sends me to sleep every lesson.

Anyways about this gay issue, at least I think it's a gay issue; Remus has been acting _really_ strange around me ever since last week when I caught him looking, no _staring _at me at supper. I mean he goes out of his way to avoid me when we're alone in the dorms, I'm clueless about this, it's no use asking James, he and Evans are attached at the hip, can't say I blame him though, all those years of rejection are finally paying off and he's taking _full _advantage of every moment spent with her and asking Wormtail about the Moony situation is out of the question, I mean he's never been the brightest cauldron.

Maybe I should just ask Remus about this, that is if I can catch him before he disappears

...Maybe later though I'm hungry right now, I wonder if I can pry Prongs away from Lily to get him to sneak to the kitchens with me

Adios Amigos.

**_11/10/77 _**

I can't bring myself to ask him about it!

I've asked Lily about Remus' sudden "weirdness" she told me he might have a crush on me, but Remus can't be gay can he?

Must ask him about this first thing tomorrow!

**_16/10/77_**

I still can't ask him, maybe I'm a coward, maybe I'm afraid of his reply, maybe I'll freak him out, or maybe just maybe, I'm afraid because I have feelings for him

Who'd of thought it, the great Sirius Black is gay

Yes you heard me right, GAY!

I have a feeling that James has known for a while now but hasn't said anything; Peter would probably have a hissy fit if I said anything, and he'd probably be wary of me, he'd probably think I'd shag him if I had the chance, if you could see me now you'd know I'm rolling my eyes, Peter can be so bloody narrow minded sometimes.

I've had a feeling I was gay ever since that day I saw him during the summer of our fourth year, I just haven't made a move, but damn it I am now!

**_17/10/77_**

Still haven't told him, maybe I'm waiting for the right moment

...Peter's started looking at me funny, ya know, it's a kind of 'I know what you know but you don't know it' look, all I know is I'm gonna fucking wipe that look off his podgy little face if he doesn't stop it soon.

In other new, James' birthday is in three days time

**Note to self: Under no circumstance shall I, Sirius Alexander Black get drunk like I did at the last party.**

**_18/10/77_**

How fucking long does it take James to get ready in the morning?

I'm angry this morning. Why am I angry you ask?

I can't take my shower because prongs took AGES in the bathroom; he knows I have a thing about being clean

It is now official: James Harold Potter is a grade A prick!

**_19/10/77_**

I asked him today, I came right out and asked him why he was avoiding me.

I was actually quite surprised at how open he was with me, I expected him to do what he always does when something's on his mind, he normally mumbles something incoherent and disappears into the dorm, but not this time, this time he was brutally honest, the boy practically opened his heart to me, it turns out that he's loved me ever since the first year, so here he was sitting in the empty common room staring at the blazing fire waiting for my response, I'm frozen, I can't express the emotions bubbling up inside of me, I can't even find the right words to say, I can see his heart is breaking by the evident tears forming in his eyes, but there's nothing I can do, nothing I can say.

Finally he stands, I watch the fire light reflect his pale face, he leaves wordlessly out of the portrait hole leaving me to my thoughts.


	3. Chapter 3

**_20/10/77_**

I feel so damn guilty, the reason I feel so guilty is because I couldn't say anything last night, nothing at all. There in front of me was the perfect Remus Lupin, who had just spilled his feelings for me to hear, awaiting my answer, and I couldn't, I was frozen, I've rehearsed telling him my little 'speech' but no words would come out when they were needed and now I feel bloody awful.

It breaks my heart to see him look so upset, it always does but this time I'm the cause of his sadness, he refuses to even look at me, it was never this hard (get your mind out of the gutter you dirty dirty people) with the girls I've dated but then again I never loved the girls I was seeing at the time, I think I was just in denial of my feelings for my furry friend here.

**_31/10/77 _**

Sorry I haven't written in you for a while I've been swamped by homework which for the first time in my life I'm grateful for because it's taken my mind off the Remus situation, at least for the time being anyways, the Halloween ball is tonight...don't know if I'm going now though maybe I'll just give my costume to some other person, probably try to talk to Remus since he isn't going either, he says Halloween is for kids but I think there's a different reason, I just hope he doesn't go off to the library after James and Peter leave.

In other news Lily slapped me today because...well basically I called her moody

Rule 1: In no circumstance do you never call Lilly Evans moody, or Remus for that matter, I swear if I didn't know about his Lycanthropy I'd think he was the only 17 year old boy in touch with his feminine side

Anyways, I'm bored and my hands cramping up and Remus is alone down in the common room since everyone has gone to party so I'll go downstairs, maybe pretend to need help with something and start a conversation with him, that is if he doesn't disappear again...wish me luck

Adios.

**_1/11/77_**

Yay!

I did it!

I talked to him!

I feel like a **_huge_** weight is lifted from my shoulders, Merlin's beard I can't tell you how happy I am...I'm sure you nosy people that are reading that are reading my diary...well I'll do my best to put last night into words.

I go down to the common room and there he is sitting there reading a book, he's gorgeous, handsome, sweet, charming, bea...sorry got lost in my thoughts there, on with the story

I clear my throat to make my presence known, he looks up at my from the book, I hold his gaze for a while before her looks for his bag

"Where are you going" I ask, to which I get the mumbled reply of "the library"

He starts packing up his book he was reading from "oh" I begin to say "oh?" he replies looking up into my eyes "w-well I was hoping t-that maybe you could help me with my...charms homework" I lied "I thought you'd finished your charms work" he asked starting to leave his seat

I had an urge to leap on him there and then

"Yes...but I need you to check it" I lied again, at that moment cold hear James' voice inside my head "JUST TELL HIM YOU PRICK!" I had to blink to refocus my eyes as he sat close to me on the sofa by the fireplace before he began to read my curvy handwriting

"I see nothing wrong with this, Sirius" he replied after a few minutes of silence and handed me back the piece of parchment, angling his body towards me in the process

The closeness was getting to me and James' voice was once again ringing in my head, the urge to leap on him was getting stronger and...well I think you all are capable of imagining what happened next :)

* * *

**_A/N: I'm thinking about finishing it here, but I'm not too sure, what do you readers think? should I continue with the slashy goodness? ;)_**


	4. Chapter 4

_**2/11/77**_

I'm so frickin' happy

I'm so frickin' happy I could cry right now, I now have the one thing that my heart has desired for so long but before could never have, well actually could have but wouldn't be honest with my feelings...anyways, what I'm saying is that a huge weight feels like it's been lifted.

You know the feeling, the one where you keep something bottled up inside and every time you think about it you feel like there's a giant pit of worry in your stomach?

Eh, why am I asking you questions, it's not like you're gonna answer back?

Yes I've decided to call you youfor the mere fact I can't think of abetter name, unless you like to be called Mr Parchment instead...eh I like the name youbetter

I have to say this before I carry on with this diary entry thing...yeah

_**I LOVE REMUS JOHN LUPIN AND I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHO KNOWS!**_

I'm certain that my fan club are onto me, it's like I have some kind of frickin' gaydar, some of the girls I passed today looked like they were on the verge of tears

...ah, they still have Pete to swoon over so not all hope is lost

Anyways I'm putting you away cos I'm just rambling now.

_**5/11/77**_

Yay Bonfire night tonight...I bet the majority of you nosey people reading my diary have no clue what I'm on about, basically bonfire night is just an excuse to watch fireworks and eat rubbish.

In other news I got into a fight...no not a duel a proper fist fight with none other than Lucius Malboy for the mere fact he makes Lily's life a compete hell for no reason, right now I am nursing a scratch to my face...well it's more of a scar since the coward directed a charm right at me after I busted his nose. Madame Pomfrey wanted to heal it but I prefer to have it remain there since it gives me more sex appeal, in my opinion scars are sexy, especially on the smooth, soft, creamy skin of Remus...

...sorry I was daydreaming there

Anyways best be off, got fireworks to see...and maybe I'll make my own fireworks later hee hee

I bet you all thought I meant have sex, knowing the dirty filthy nosy people that you are, get your minds out of the gutter I say!

Adios amigos

_**18/12/77**_

Ugh busy busy busy!

We my friends have reached the time of year that everyone starts getting edgy, rushing to finish work we have neglected for the rest of the year, although I'm confident I'll get it done and probably get a few pranks in there too.

Why I hear you ask would, you, Sirius Black would spend most of the time working on pranking and not schoolwork?

Simple you see I'm the frickin' best student in our year, well besides James, and anyway I work better when I'm under pressure

Can't say that for Remus though, I haven't seen him at all this week, he comes in late at night normally when I've already asleep and crawls into my bed and then leaves early n the morning, while I'm still asleep, I swear I'm starting to think he loves them damn books more than me...


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I own nothing but this laptop and flashdrive **

_**22/11/78**_

Good lord, has it really been a year since I wrote in you?

Wow, just wow

Anyways, I should update my maybe avid fans who are nosy gits and hoped I would write in this again so they could read about my steamy love affair with one Remus John Lupin who has a very sexy very tight arse which I would like to…..sorry, got a bit lost there.

An update on my friends, yes that's what I'll give you to help me drown these impure, lustful thoughts of my boyfriend, you know saying boyfriend feels good but writing it down is kinda funny, I never wrote that word before, not that I had to, and I'm rambling about…..I don't even remember.

Ah yes, friend updates: James and Lily, are now married and living together in a beautiful little cottage in Godrics Hollow, Peter is…..uh…uh…..fatter and uglier than ever and his hair is thinning, actually I haven't seen much of the rat since we graduated, he was apparently busy with other commitments to attend the wedding of one of his best friends, and lastly, Remus, Remus gets more beautiful to me every day, I've never felt this much for one person….uhhhh…I'm writing about my feelings, if any of you out there have told anyone else of this fact that I, Sirius Black have feelings I shall hex you back to the stone age.

Get it? Got it? Good.

_**26/11/78**_

I've caught a bad cold or flu of something so forgive me if I start writing absolute drivel, Remus is pleading me to go see Severus for a potion but I think the dick would rather poison me than see me get well, I hope he dies a slow, painful and comical death that I'm still alive to witness.

Hmmm…maybe drown in a vat full of Flobberworms or a giant rabid Pigmy Puff can go on a rampage, oh the possibilities. Anyhow, enough of thinking of Severus, he makes me skin crawl and itchy and green….green?

_**27/11/78**_

Hey!

You!

Guess what I have? No guess!

I have the drum roll…..dragon pox so I've been advised to take a trip to St Mungo's, boo hiss.

So this morning, you and I accompanied by Remus took a nice trip to the magical hospital where the welcome witch looked shocked when I sneezed small stream of fire, nearly burning the neatly stacked files on her desk, and quickly escorted me to the second floor leaving Remus behind since I'm contagious.

Hmm…Snape should have been here, I could have infected the slimy git with my thousands of multiplying germs.

I hope my skin doesn't stay this colour of green; it makes me look like that Wicked Witch of the West in that muggle film The Wizard of OZ.

_**27/11/78 5.20pm**_

Hospitals are so boring!

Seriously!

I've considered how many handfuls of hair pulled out from the root it'd take till I'm fully bald or counting how many girls I had before Remus and trying to remember the names of them. Oh I 'accidentally' burnt a hole in the pillowcase sneezing into it.

Man, get me the freak out of this place before I go insane and go on a wild contaminating spree, that arse Snape being my first victim


End file.
